Should I Come Out of the Closet?: The lessons Asthma taught me

I have a problem. I was ashamed of it growing up. When it was found out, the other folks in school would look upon me in that "you're-not-one-of-us" kind of way. It showed in my eyes, and frankly, the girls were not exactly attracted by it. But it now it is time that I be honest with myself, that I let myself "be free." I want to tell the world...I have almost died from asthma on three different occasions. And I'm proud of it.

Believe it or not though, this post is actually not about asthma, though asthma will play a role. It's about the cliche (yet cachet) themes, that dominate the bull sessions, organizational behavior seminars, and "team-building" activities: love, determination, faith, and kindness--those qualities that still manage to strike a chord within humanity's (and I don't use the term carelessly) collective experience Yet it is also about the here, now, and pain that we can all help to ease...the pain of those in our faith with same-sex attraction (SSA).

First, to any fellow Saints who struggle with same-gender attraction:

I understand that Latter Day Saints have had a checkered record in our treatment of those who deal with this issue. I offer no excuse or apologia for it. Chesterton noted that if any doctrine from the gospel of Christ were unleashed from its other virtues, that doctrine would become either lame or wild. While I believe the man-woman family unit to be of the utmost, even vital importance as a matter of doctrine, I also believe, as a matter of doctrine, that our idealization of this unit does not give us the license to paint those who struggle as inherently sinful or odd. It is our error that we do. In saying this, I speak in the most solemn tones of orthodoxy--and of the business-suit Brethren kind. As we have with other groups that differ from us (whether they be the intelligentsia, minorities, or otherwise), many Latter Day Saints have failed you in our efforts to love, to "clumsily try to comfort (or chastise) you." And for this, I offer my heartfelt regrets.

I would also make a request...while I shake my head in shame at those who have either intentionally or unintentionally isolated you from us, I would also beg you to not isolate yourselves from us. Believe it or not, you are not the only ones I know who face trials that could theoretically prevent a fulfilling life of marital bliss. Even more common are those who have faced in-born ailments that prove to be tremendous trials. I have been there, my friends. I faced a double-lung collapse, a drama-filled LifeFlight trip through a cloudy sky that almost had to turn around. I had to learn to walk again. Other friends, while bright in mind (almost brilliant), face the tremendous obstacle of a cursed wheelchair. As one such friend said to me: "There had better be some SERIOUS payback in the afterlife."

I recognize that, unfortunately, these individuals might have a leg up, in the eyes of those with SSA. After all, they're viewed as "special." Yet let me tell you from personal experience that any ailment can turn a "special" person into a very, very bitter one. My ailments came with the package for me...I did not choose them. And on more than one occasion, I have quite frankly done some complaining against both God and my parents for my troubles. Didn't exactly fit that nice picture of the pious, sickly Tiny Tim or magisterial Neal A. Maxwell who either just wants everyone to have a smiley button or even more, can raise the roof of the Latter Day Saint mind with contemplations on discipleship. Elder Maxwell came through as he did because of a lifetime of preparation. I refused to prepare, and thus, I had an axe to grind against the man upstairs. Asthma might have blessed far more than it did; instead, I insisted on turning it into my personal trump card to use against my dear Heavenly Dad.

Some might suggest that sexual temptation is a "special" kind of temptation, a kind of personal fulfillment that is given us by God, a fundamental characteristic. We have faithful and single Latter Day Saints (I know one) who view sexual intimacy as A SERIOUS temptation. Indeed, their almost-addiction to this almost messes up their lives. But if mastered, think of how they could succor their fellow Saints!! This goes for almost every temptation…most temptations bring a sense of fulfillment at one level or another...whether it be a sense of martyrdom (pride) or self-righteousness (more pride).

So why shouldn't I identify myself as an Asthmatic with "Asthma Pride"? Because it simply isn't healthy. Yes, asthma is fundamental to my being in that it is indeed hard-wired into me. Yes, it influences many things I do. If I so desired it (and I have desired it before), I could make asthma into my defining characteristic. I recognize that your trial is of a particular kind...and much more difficult as you cannot give full expression to your feelings whereas heterosexuals are granted more room. Then again, there are many things that I, others can't ever do that you have had full room to do, at least physically (owning pets, even reaching in the cupboard for a glass). How much better it is, I’ve found, to find joy in the things that are available to me. This will help prevent suicide more than “consciousness-building” exercises. Trust me…I know what it’s like (in ways other than asthma) to dwell on one aspect of a person’s identity while letting the other elements atrophy. It’s not healthy and has only brought me pain.

Now lest anyone thinks I am letting my fellow Saints off scot-free...

As most of us have seen, major gospel conundrums (such as the problem of pain or of evil's existence in the world) are seldom fixed with a few comforting words about how "natural" heterosexuality is. And those awkward glances that we are all capable of? Yeah, those don't help either. And while, yes, homosexuality is a sin, it does not behoove us to blare this tune with a marching band and sparkling banners. We, as a people, can do better and serve those who deal with these issues more effectively. I myself need to do better.

"But they dress so differently and talk about it all the time!" Yes, perhaps they do. And from the Lord's perspective, they would ultimately be happier if they tried His way (which does not, contrary to MOrmon folk doctrine, constitute just "doing the right things" aka marry and "fake it"). But if we claim to have the absolute truth about mankind's existence, that truth needs to be coupled with absolute love. How that love can be shown is something that is seldom revealed beforehand...but signs(read: miracles) of love follow those who believe in Christ's love. And most remarkably, you will hear the miracles being uttered by your own lips. We would (I hope) happily help the paralyzed with their wheelchair, pick up some dropped things by limbless man, or *gasp* talk to a fellow Saint who had broken the law of chastity. Are we capable of treating those with same-gender attraction with similar charity? I hope I can.

I understand...this requires that we revisit what it means to have same-sex attraction. We must stop viewing the feelings as sinful, instead viewing them as the product of a world where we come closer to Christ through a world filled with irony, imperfection, and experience beyond our everyday walk of life. I do not ask that any of us forsake or dilute the principles in the Proclamation; I ask that we not divorce the Proclamation from its accompanying virtues of peace, temperance, and kindness. I ask that we view our SSA brothers and sisters in terms no different than we view people who must face a limited lifestyle due to confinement to a wheelchair or other physical limitations. They have much to offer us. My religion says to take all the good we can--giving the gospel teachings and standards their proper due. Otherwise, we will face our SSA brothers and sisters in the afterlife and feel very sorry indeed that there was a soul we might have blessed, in spite of their very temporary/mortal condition.